Hi, Mom!
I would like to take a moment and show my appreciation to my first subscriber (in life, and this blog), my Mom.
Welcome to my self hosted, uncensored, unmoderated publication - most likely “exhibit A” at my next trial.
You have no idea what you have signed up for. I cannot promise anything you read on this site will spark pride and joy in you.
So, let’s rip that band-aid off right here and now with a story (when I was still living in your basement) you probably haven’t heard yet.
Back in my senior year of high school, my friends and I decided to hit up Rumors.
Were we 21? Absolutely not. Did we ‘pre-game’ with the cheapest, most flammable liquor imaginable in a parking lot? Obviously.
By the time we got inside, I was absolutely gone—dancing like I invented rhythm, talking to strangers like we were long-lost friends… having the time of my life…
until I wasn’t.
At some point in the night, I got so drunk that I threw up all over this poor blonde girl at the bar.
Full-on, no warning, just blegh right on her.
Somehow, I wasn’t kicked out, but I knew I had to disappear immediately. I bolted out of there, never to be seen again…
or so I thought.
Flash forward a few months. I’m a freshman at GVSU, and I start talking to this cute guy on Grindr.
We set up a first date at a coffee shop hosting live poetry. Very romantic. Very promising.
We’re walking around downtown beforehand, really hitting it off, and as we’re about to head inside, I hear someone yell:
“You look so familiar!”
I turned around, flashing my best "I’m too charming for my own good" smile, trying to help her place me. Then the light of recognition hit her eyes—a look I will never forget.
”Oh my god, you’re the guy who threw up all over me at Rumors!”
I wanted to dissolve into the sidewalk
Of all the people in this city, of all the possible moments, that night came back to haunt me right as I was having a great first date.
Needless to say, he was not interested in a second date. My mom, however, is contractually obligated to keep reading.
Thanks, Mom! 💕